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I was recently going through both my mother’s and father’s boxes in our garage. My mother’s stuff has been collecting dust for many years, however my father’s boxes are still pretty fresh as his passing was recent. In many of the boxes are letters I had written to my Dad, letters he had written me, pictures of our family and voice recordings of messages my brothers and I left him while he was in the seminary (my father was a ‘second vocation’ priest). I always shed tears when starting this process, but as I go through these things I am also able to smile because the pictures are priceless.
When I think about both of my parents physically being gone and having to rummage through their things, it is very EASY to focus on the negative thoughts: both my parents will not be around when I have a child, my father will not be able to baptize my children, I cannot call my dad anymore on my long drives and share recent adventures, I cannot tell my father physically how proud I am of him nor I will not have a mother to help me with my children or give me advice on what motherhood is all about. All of these thoughts when I say them aloud bring me sad, however I can choose to look at this situation differently and find HAPPINESS.
I am able to look at all the letters my father and I wrote because he kept every single one…it meant so much to him. I had wonderful parents in my life, the pictures make me smile at the memories we had and I will get to raise my children from beautiful examples of parents I had who were 100% committed to one another and their children. Now, I get to think about and write about what my Dad would say to me while on my long drives. I get the quiet time I so badly need every day to help me maintain balance in my life.
In Rick Hansens’s article, Taking in the Good, he advises against suppressing negative experiences in your life- rather let them happen. I let myself grieve my father and my mother. Rick mentioned to foster positive experiences, take them and have them become part of you; savor them. Another thing he mentioned was that you have the ability to literally re-wire your brain. For example when a strong memory is activated, you can CHOOSE to add something more positive to your mind. Your amygdala and hippocampus – important parts of your brain for feeling and memory – will start to activate and associate with a new neural pattern. That is pretty freaking cool!
A habit I have developed after meditating is writing in my dedication of the day in my journal.
I have recently started to write down all the positive things I can think about in my day and about my life-whatever comes to mind really. Through the actual process of writing them down, I smile, and the re-wiring happens. Going down my usual rabbit hole of self pity or self destruction happens less and less now as my brain goes to what is good. It doesn’t necessarily make me any happier in the moment, however it does allow me to ground myself and stay away from the dreaded rabbit hole of self-destruction.
Perhaps this article is mostly about perspective designed to help cultivate our inner warrior, which is a daily process for me. I am ok with my parents being gone because I smile every time I think of them and the fact that they taught me so much. They passed the torch to my brothers and I, as we choose to live life to the fullest- through the happy times and unhappy times. I am creating a habit of taking in the good in every situation I can, so join me on this journey!
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